I don’t really know where to begin. It’s been kind of a rollercoaster of a week. But the downs of that rollercoaster are so weighted it makes it extremely difficult to look up and remember the highs.
Where do I begin?
Well, I feel like the OCD, anxiety & postpartum are increasing with a greater speed than the medication is working. It’s an uneven, uphill battle.
Something new I learned about having OCD means that your fears and compulsions aren’t always the same. They like to switch it up and catch you off guard just as you think you are making progress. How rude.
I wanted to swing by Costco on my way home the other day to get gas as my car was quite low. Costco was closed. I could not accept that. I could not wait until morning for gas. The thought in my mind was, “if there is an emergency tonight and I need to hop in my car & get going, I can’t imagine having to stop for gas.” So, out of my way I went to ensure my tank was filled to the brink.
But this story doesn’t stop there. Though, I wish it did.
I cannot explain to you the level of issue I had with the fact that I did not have hand sanitizer on my person and knowing I had to touch the buttons on the gas metre to get the gas that I so desired.
I felt all alone in the world. The wind calmed, the commotion of the traffic around me became suddenly mute- nothing else existed. All I could see were those damn buttons and the germs that were on them.
It took an overwhelming amount of will power to get my hand up to those buttons. I fear someday this will become an insurmountable task.
I couldn’t believe it. Herein this moment, I felt truly crazy.
Here was the gas I needed so badly, but standing in my way were these metallic, dingy buttons.
Enter the downward spiral.
I fear that I am going to become someone I don’t recognize. Worse than that, I fear I am going to become someone sitting in a padded room all day. I am so afraid of what I don’t know. I don’t know where this is going. I can’t stop it. All I know is this seems to be getting worse and surprising me at every turn. This is a truly awful feeling. To be afraid of one’s own mind. Not much else like it.
There’s something else I wanted to touch base on because it affects many of the people in my life, if not all.
As anyone who knows me or for those reading my previous posts know, medical things and death particularly bother me.
Like. A lot.
So much so, that it doesn’t just end with me and my kids.
You can bet your ass that if you have or may have a medical problem or are at risk for something that you’re on the receiving end of my, what may seem like, unsolicited advice.
When I say something to you about “have you thought about this?”, or “… you know that could be caused by this…”, “…you should watch out for this” or “…I don’t mean to overstep here, but…”… and on and on and on that goes, please understand that I am not trying to scare you nor offend you nor call you out on something that I think you are doing wrong.
I truly am concerned about you and your loved ones. So much so that it will keep me up at night. I will worry and worry about you.
I will worry myself silly. And if I don’t make sure I say what I am thinking and afraid of for you, to you, that I will go bonkers until I do.
It’ll come out like word vomit if I don’t say it when it first arises.
I feel compelled to tell you.
I feel like I am just asking for bad karma if I do not warn you and talk to you about it.
Like if something bad does happen, that I’ll be partly to blame because maybe I could have prevented it if only I had said something.
A friend of mine has a baby not much older than my own. She had blankets in her daughter’s crib. All I could see was that innocent little baby getting tangled up and suffocating. I read the paediatric guidelines to see if I was just being paranoid. But sure enough, babies under 12 months should not have blankets. I didn’t want to offend said Momma, but I literally could not keep myself from telling her. What if she didn’t know? What if I didn’t make sure she was educated? What if something happened to that baby?
What if something did happen and I didn’t say anything?
Stand by for word vomit.
Yep. Out it came. Twice. After the much shrugged off reply to my concerns, I just went off with information about the dangers and how I would be so afraid of something happening to her child.
That friend hasn’t spoken to me since.
I think I lost another friend a few years ago from this problem. But I didn’t see it then. I do now.
I told a friend going through college for Police Foundations that I thought she should refrain from posting photos of her scantily dressed or sporting liquor as a side kick on social media platforms. I felt it unprofessional and was afraid a police force would not want the “party girl” on their team. I didn’t mean to be offensive. I just wanted her to be able to achieve her goals and not have social media and not a lot of forethought be her downfall.
I truly wanted her to achieve being a police officer. I was only trying to help.
She took my thoughts as offensive and calling her a drunken party girl that no police force could ever want.
This woman stood in my wedding.
We haven’t spoken since shortly after my wedding. I have had two children since. She’s never so much asked as how they or myself were doing.
We were best friends.
How many other friends have I lost due to my unsolicited comments?
If I have driven you away for this reason, I truly apologize and hope you can come to realize that it’s out of love and genuine fear that I say these things to you.
I have been struggling with the fact that I have no friends left.
I watch my husband go out with his friends (though, not often because let’s face it, he has two kids and a very needy wife), and I can’t help but feel just so sad and upset with myself.
Am I that bad? Why don’t people like me?
I think I am a nice person. But clearly there’s something going on with me that people don’t seem to like to be around.
I made a really good friend last summer. I thought maybe a new best friend. I put myself out there after already closing up from the hurt I had no friends other than my own mother and brother. But here was this awesome person I seemed to have so much in common with. We did so much together. She even asked to be my baby’s godmother.
Well, that girl no longer talks to me either. She has struggles of her own I have learned.
But, you can imagine how that’s damaged me. That reaffirmation that I am not worthwhile.
Allan (husband) tells me to go “friend date” and meet some new people.
I can’t imagine putting myself out there again.
I think I’ve heard the consensus from everyone else I know that I’m not worth keeping in touch with.
So, why do I want to hear that again?
I really don’t.